Hey! I hope everything is awesome for you!
For me, not so much. I mean, I don’t even know. I mean, not for real. It’s probably my own mind telling me nasty stuff. And that’s why I decided to tell you how does the mind of an alcoholic looks like (my mind).
Do you also have a voice in your own head whispering stuff from time to time? And that voice is not that loud, but it often speaks. It’s a habit.
When I go out tying to buy some groceries, that voice tells me I should buy a beer as well. Just one. Or maybe two.
When I want to take out the trash, that voice tells me it only takes 5 minutes to go to the closest market to buy a bottle of wine. Or maybe some vodka as it’s easier to drink and it gives a bigger kick.
On my way to work, that voice tells me I should go in the closest market to buy a small bottle of any kind of booze just to start the day a little bit better. At 7 AM in the morning. And on my way home, it’s the same voice telling me I should buy a couple of beers so I can sleep better.
I don’t know if all alcoholics have this voice, but mine is constantly there telling me to have just one more drink and then I’ll quit. And everything gets to be around that one more drink. And I don’t even know why I want that drink… because I don’t want it. But I want it…
It’s a tough battle… I really hope none of you feel the same…
Anyways, have a wonderful day!
Love,
Elena
PS: If you enjoy my content, I will think of you while drinking my coffee. – BuyMeACoffee
My son, this blog and coffee is what keeps me alive and going while fighting alcoholism!
Short Wisdom 
Elena:
Just win today!
You’re struggle is beautiful because you’re open. Keep opening. All the best to you!
Someone above said just win today and that makes sense. It’s good to think of the future as in what good things might come, but thinking about the task of battling addiction for years to come can weigh you down. Win today, then tomorrow, then hopefully before you know it, you have won many days and it becomes easier.
I struggle with that. It took me a while to quit. Once my brain healed it was like a weight was lifted off me. I had not realized how much joy it was robbing me of. Hang in there, it is so much better without it. It made me forgot how much more joy there was in the little things in life. When I quit life become so much happier.
What are you replacing these thoughts with? Are you letting them have their way?
I got sober on February 7th, 1988, and yes, I had thoughts like that for some time, drinking dreams too, but no more. So, I can promise they will no longer come one day if you do not act on them. You can use your fear to not drink again just as easily as you can to drink. So, use it to your advantage and take it one day at a time, one moment at a time if needed. Get support, do not try to do it on your own. Find what works for you. There is trial and error for many, so do not beat yourself up if you slip. I know you will be successful because you are open with your feelings and honest, which is a requirement. Feel free to reach out if you need anything.
I’m about three weeks into my new goal of “don’t keep beer at home” which was born out of wanting to waste less money and lose my emerging beer belly. Sometimes that voice you speak of is loud af!! I still drink if I go out with friends. Anyway, I enjoyed your blog today.
Reblogged this on Wag 'n Bietjie.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, you are not alone!
Hey Elena,
Recently I noticed you left a like on one of my post.
Since we are beginning, and the first ones are really special.
I wanted to extend and Thankyou for this one personally.
This is how communities are built.
looking forward to your new posts.
All Best
So sorry you have this to deal with. Writing has always been helpful to me throughout my life. I’m glad you found it. One day at a time, right? Which reminds me about AA. Have you tried that? I believe they have online meetings.
I am 84 years old right now and I drank pretty heavily from the time I was 21 until I was 25. In those days I discovered that my every thought, word and deed was somehow designed to excuse that next drink. I got sober suddenly and miraculously one day after I had visited a bar the night before and sampled almost everything on the shelf .. came home so drunk that I slept for a day and a half… when I awoke I was sober and could never again stand even the smell of alcohol. I have been stone cold sober ever since. I think I might have come very close to death that time.
From one alcoholic to another, thank you!
Good morning Elena,
I appreciate your honesty in your post and I really do understand how that feels.
Many people have talked about and written about alcohol and its effects both positive and negative. It is seen as your best friend and worst enemy and that still small voice is very persuasive.
I know I’ve been there 25 years plus but I have had a few wobbles during that time.
A book that I once read was Drinking A love story and really that is what a relationship with alcohol really looks like, it is your best friend and worst enemy.
I wish you well on your continuing journey and I hope that those negative voices will lessen has things improve and hopefully they’ll one day disappear completely.
Best Wishes for your future endeavours.
Hello Elena,
Thank you for sharing so openly. About the voice in the head, have you ever read “The Power of Now,” by Eckhart Tolle? It might be of assistance.
Sincere best wishes,
Art
Hey Elena,
Thank you for being so open and vulnerable. Yes it is a tough battle but the fact that you’re acknowledging it is already a step towards winning it. One day at a time..
All the best,
Carli
You are a beautiful soul!
Recognizing that voice can be a very hard thing for a person to realize.
Stay strong, and keep writing about it.
Words can be very cathartic.
Elena, thanks for liking my post on “Follow up on my first thought”. You have no idea the good kick in your like is!
You’ll get where you want to be! Keep strong 💜
Simple, beautiful, true. Thank you for sharing.
I’ve noticed you’ve tagged my blog a couple of times so I though I’d check yours out. You’ll probably wish I hadn’t. I read your article entitle “The Mind of an Alcoholic” and I was reminded of all the drunks I’ve known and the terrible impact they’ve had on my life and the lives of others including setting their children up to follow in their path of public and personal devastation. I don’t have any advice – you wouldn’t take it anyways. But since we connected through writing I thought I’d share a poem I wrote about one of my many experiences with alcoholics. In case you’re not familiar with the term “Cake Night”, it’s the anniversary of someone’s sobriety. It’s a big deal in AA and people “take their cake” every year – those who stay on the wagon.
Cake Night
In a dank hall, under a punishing light,
cheap cologne mixes with nervous sweat,
stale cigarette smoke, burnt coffee.
I’ve come to celebrate your sobriety,
as if returning to normal is a great achievement,
as if being independent, considerate, law-abiding, caring, employed, reasonably unselfish, flawed but not fatally–
as if being like most people deserves a celebration.
Apparently, it does.
I’m greeted by a newly converted,
eyes of zealot, grin of a true believer.
I want to say ‘thanks, but no thanks.’
I’m not one of you, just one of your victims.
Your ‘cake night’ has drawn a big crowd,
indicative of the number of lives you’ve messed up.
We visitors smile and whisper
like non-Catholics at Mass, unsure of the protocol –
do we kneel, cross ourselves, shit, or go blind?
The chairs are as used as those who sit in them –
uncomfortable, unsteady, unreliable.
I watch the suspicious eyes of impatient newcomers,
arms hugging trembling bodies,
seriously wondering what’s better –
another night listening to litanies of self-incrimination
or pissing their pants passed out in the park?
And the old-timers, soothed by the travails of others,
feeling they belong, are better,
masters of the Big Book, creators of endless clichés,
faces filigreed with exploded capillaries.
All tips of icebergs, your deadly bulk lying submerged,
lurking in wait for those who love you, passengers on a Titanic
not of their choosing, adrift on a sea of misery
never knowing when their hulls will be ripped open
and the torrent will overwhelm them,
pulling them down choking in icy blackness,
only to fight back to the surface and amid the debris
watch the life-boat float away, you sitting in the stern,
on your voyage of good intentions.
“My name is Alcoholic and I’m a loser.”
The meeting begins.
You evidently are some kind of wonderful among your peers.
They applaud your progress, thank you for their sobriety.
But we know your sins, we’ve suffered every minute of them –
then, now, and forever,
and though free of you, the scars refuse to heal.
Your turn, centre stage.
I brace for a ‘fearless moral inventory’,
a detailing of the cancer of chaos and crisis you inflicted,
a metastasizing of abuse,
neglect, humiliation, disappointment, embarrassment –
but am offered only contrite confessions;
you’re sober, you’re sorry, you ask for absolution,
you want to make amends.
Do we forgive you? Do we have a choice?
It’s all about you.
Again.
God grant me the serenity….
The meeting ends.
We join hands, rejoice in the fact that ‘just for today’
you’re finally doing what most people have done everyday
all their adult lives,
the get-up-in-the morning, go-to-work grind
you found so hard, so unfair, so uncaring,
because you were too sensitive, your parents were dysfunctional,
your wife didn’t understand you, society was flawed,
as if you alone
were the victim of all this injustice,
as if we all at some time
didn’t want to give up and say
fuck it!
Become the burden instead of the burdened.
We eat your sickening sweet cake,
sip the acid coffee, listen amazed
at the platitudes you spew,
how you’ve woven these self-evident utterings
into a philosophy of blamelessness.
I’ve accepted the things I cannot change…
It’s enough. Let’s leave it at that.
As someone who has sometimes hurt others, I read your post and recognized the accuracy of your analysis. I also felt that it was a pretty mean thing to do to post your poem on the site of someone with a problem that you very obviously either cannot or do not want to understand. I am sorry for what the alcoholic or alcoholics in your life put you through, but am also sorry for what you apparently have failed to learn. Often, people become alcoholics because they are looking for that love and acceptance and support that is not there. Your poem reminded me of all the painful times that when I felt as if there was no one to turn to, and found solace in something as toxic as the relationships that were not supportive.
You undoubtedly have your reasons for writing this poem but why on earth would you post it here?
It must be taking a toll on your mental and physical health. Thank you for sharing your experience, I never knew alcoholics brain works in such a way.
Thank you for sharing this, Elena!
Take a win today!
Next time you catch yourself in front of a mirror, look into your eyes and admire what a beautiful person you are, who deserves all the best of what you are yet have to offer to yourself! You deserve to win today!
Dear Elena – go you! The mere act of stopping is in itself a step on the path, that eventually becomes the path. It does get easier. And a life without alcohol is so damned good – you really get to leave behind the worry, the expense, the shame, and you get a lovely chance to find yourself again. I listened to Recovery Elevator and Beat Your Genes podcasts – they both really helped. Thanks for your posts.
I would like to echo simplywrittenpl’s thoughts. You’re a great writer, to start with, so keep that in mind as you try to overcome the negative thoughts. You have a talent and an education, and so many other positive qualities (we all do), that you may well not often recognize. I struggle too sometimes with a need that alcohol seems so easily to fill and yet not fill….and toy with the idea of getting professional help. But the most helpful things so far really have been 1) learning to recognize and alter my negative thoughts, then – thinking “the opposite is also true” and 2) to take up a more constructive activity that I can only do when totally sober. For me, it’s been learning guitar. I have some tea first as a way of boosting my mood. Applauding your honesty and your writing, and wishing you strength and support. – Ann
Elena, your openness and writing the post just goes to show that you admit there’s an issue with alcoholism. It’s the first step to overcoming this illness so many people are fighting. Continue the path. Cheers…
Elena, I will pray for Jesus to come into your life in the form of His Holy Spirit and give you His voice to listen to instead of the false voice the enemy (yours and God’s enemy) is using to tempt you. Thank you for your ragged, honest blog and sharing the battle in your mind. God bless you.
Brave honesty here! I think it’s common for people with ANY addiction to have this battle. For me food is my drug. The more I recognize it’s the addiction speaking the more I can choose something different. Sometimes that works,bothers not.
My question is, like Gabor Mate would say, “what is the pain underneath?”
Hi elena ❤️
The many comments your post has received testifies that you’re not alone in your struggle with alcoholism Elena. Your honest transparency and courage to share it is refreshing, and a needed encouragement to others.
I hope and pray for you to overcome…
Admirable honesty thank you, cracked it myself 10 years ago,💪🙏
Dear Elena, Keep up your good fight. Keep writing. Soon you’ll have a set of chapters to go with each phase of your commitment and recovery. Use your book and journaling as a way out as you look in! Have a great day. Thanks for stopping by my Reviews site, I also write poetry and commentary all separate and all here at wordpress.com
One day at a time.
Thank you for your transparency, Elena. This really helps me to understand the struggle of a close loved one. You are not alone. I’m praying for you now.
Hey there – my addiction I fight is compulsive eating. I understand how hard it is to fight your own mind. It can be really agitating to do the complete opposite of what we’ve programmed ourselves to do. The good thing is that our brains, like muscles, can be reshaped and reworked into something better. The more you choose other things to replace (maybe try going to buy a non-alcoholic beer instead, for example, or sparkling apple choice) the more your body and mind will adjust to a different, better habit. You can do this!!! Don’t give up!
My son had that problem. One little trick he learned that helped was telling the little voice, “I’ll do that later,” or “I’ll get to it tomorrow.” A good support group also helps.
I’d heard those voices too. They can be quite convincing.
Buy something else, soft drinks or drinks with minimal alcohol. Keep it in fridge as long as you can. Try to resist it …… good luck. You can do that 💪🏻
Great post! Also, thank you for being a frequent visitor to my blog. I get excited when you like my posts. Maybe it’s because of your red hair.
Congratulations on your sobriety! If you know others struggling with theirs, this affirmation works miracles:
I shall be sober minded. I shall be sober minded, under grace, even when intoxicated.
I experiment with affirmations and subconscious programming by profession, and I’ve seen this affirmation provoke the right decision making while under intoxication. It could save someone’s life.
Have a great evening.
Thank you for sharing this!
Thank you for sharing this. My brother was an alcoholic and I know he struggled. I miss him everyday.
I’m very sorry for your loss…
The post was awesome and thanks fir sharing. I will check more of your contents
Elena, we may not have the little alcoholic voice (Satan), telling us what to do but at one time or another (mostly all through the day) we have some other voice, sponsored by Satan, telling us what to do, especially if we are trying to do the righteous. It will be hard but ask God, through Jesus, to help you resist the voice and urge. Little by little it will get easier and easier to resist that temptation. I pray that our Father will give you the strength to call upon Him and be patient for the outcome. May God bless and keep you.
For those who read my post, thank you. It gives me great joy to think that God has used me as His vessel of conveyance to those (all of us) who can use His Truth. Ask a friend to tap in and join you for the read. And always be encouraged and be and encouragement and inspiration to others. Thank you.
Elena, that little voice will diminish with time, as long as you use all the weapons at your disposal to fight it off. I gave in to that voice for 15 years and nearly lost all I had. That was 31 years ago.
I’m finishing up day/night 88 sober. Thank God today– no voices.
In the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous there is a part that says “Take away my difficulties, that victory over them might bear witness to those I would help” – try praying that to a higher power.
Be blessed and hang in there.
One day at a time is all we can do. I’m just over 3 years sober. Somedays are harder than others but the voice still comes out every once in and while. Stay strong!
Thank you for your honesty. Reading about another’s personal experience always helps makes sense of our own.
And thanks for the like too.
Stay Strong Elena and Keep Shining 🌟
You are brave and you will win🙏